The Akatsuki Is Screwed
by RuneWitchSakura
Summary: There is one thing in the world you don't ever Ever EVER do. And that is piss off Iruka. The Akatsuki has done that...The Akatsuki is screwed. Rated T for Violence. Oneshot plus 2 Omake stories: Kakashi finds TobiObito, and Sasuke Gets The News
1. The Akatsuki Is Screwed Story

I had _way_ to much fun with this.

Warning: This is the result of me being high off of sugar, Coke, sugar, candy, sugar, seeing the panda cub, sugar, McDonalds fries, sugar, Pepsi, and did I by any chance mention _sugar_? Do not eat/drink any solids/liquids while reading this story. You will choke on the solid/have the liquid come out your nose. I speak from experience.

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"You can't be serious Jiraiya! He's a chunin!" Tsunade yelled. 

"Yes, he is a chunin. But have you ever seen him pissed off on Naruto's behalf? Even the ANBU run away! He's perfect for this mission!" Jiraiya yelled back.

"He's a chunin!"

"That ANBU run away in fear from! And he's the only one who has ever been able to catch Naruto! Not even the ANBU can say that!"

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Enter!" Tsunade said. Umino Iruka entered the room.

"I was told by Shizune that you wanted to see me, Hokage-sama?" Iruka said/asked. (Rune: And he's probably the only one cute enough to be able to do both at the same time. I can just imagine him pouting.)

"But I nev…ver…JIRAIYA!" Said Sannin started whistling innocently, before addressing Iruka.

"Iruka-san! Sit, sit. I have a request of you," Jiraiya said. Jiraiya took a few minutes to describe what he wanted Iruka to do.

"YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?" Iruka yelled, "But I'm only a chunin!" Tsunade's face clearly showed that she had been trying to get that through Jiraiya's thick skull.

"Now, Iruka-san…I'm asking you to do this for Naruto," Jiraiya said, all the while thinking, '_Take the bait. Take the bait. Take the yellow-haired, orange-wearing, blue-eyed bait._'

"Naruto?" Iruka asked. '_YES! He took the bait!_'

"Akatsuki's next _target_ is Naruto. They'll _capture_ him, and _kill_ him, probably _torturing_ him first, for _several_ days, before they _kill_ him _painfully_," Jiraiya said, Iruka's eye twitching with every word.

"Akatsuki will die," Iruka said, letting off massive amounts of killing intent. Enough so, that even Jiraiya and Tsunade were shaking from it. The ANBU outside the door, quickly recognized the killing intent, and took off running. They didn't want to get in Iruka's way when he was that pissed off about something.

"Alright then," Jiraiya said, smiling and clapping Iruka on the back, "You'll probably need these." Jiraiya handed him three scrolls and an ANBU issue katana. "Have fun!" Jiraiya pushed Iruka out the door, shut said door, then leaned against it and gave out a sigh of relief. "Whew; I didn't think he'd give off _that_ much killer intent." Tsunade only nodded.

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Two Days Later

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Kisame saw a lone shinobi in the distance and headed their way.

"Hey, Itachi," he said, catching the Uchiha's attention, "You don't mind if I have a little fun do you?" Itachi now noticed the shinobi.

"Don't get killed," Itachi said, sitting against a tree.

"I won't," Kisame said, grinning, before taking off to ambush the shinobi. Little did he know, that this particular shinobi was from Konoha - one Umino Iruka - and that said shinobi was looking for members of the organization that Kisame worked for. Once he got to hell, Kisame would probably damn his luck for getting into that mess in the first place.

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Iruka jumped out of the way as a large sword went through the air where he had been walking. Iruka looked at his attacker, and noticed the black cloak with red clouds. His eye twitched and he pulled out the katana.

"What are you going to do with that little thing?" Kisame asked, "Poke me?"

"I was actually planning on slicing you into sushi with it," Iruka replied. Kisame's eye twitched.

"You couldn't if yo-Dammit!" Kisame said, looking at his arm which was know lying on the ground and spurting out blood, "Crud. Well, at least I can still hold Sameha-Dammit!" there went the other arm, "Now how the hell am I supposed to kill you!"

"You're problem, not mine," Iruka said, raising the bloody katana to strike again.

"Shit," Kisame said, turning around, and running away.

"Get back here!" Iruka said, running after him.

"Shiiiiiiiiit," Kisame said again, running faster. He'd probably be waving his arms around, too, had Iruka not sliced them off.

"Akatsuki bastard!" Iruka yelled, still brandishing the katana.

"Don't kill me! I don't wanna be sushi! Itachi! Help!" Kisame yelled, pitifully.

"ZzZzZzZzZzZz," Itachi snored.

"Dammit, Itachi!" Kisame yelled, before tripping over a rock. Unfortunately (for Kisame anyway) those few seconds lost by tripping over said rock, was more than enough for Iruka to catch up, and continue to make good on his threat of slicing Kisame into sushi.

SNAP!

"Well, damn," Iruka cursed, looking at the broken half of the katana he had. He looked back down, to see the other half stuck inside Kisame's chest, "Oh, well. Let's see what was in those scrolls." Iruka took out one of the scrolls, and saw it was a sealing scroll. Iruka blinked, then bit his thumb, and ran it across said seal. A poof of smoke later, and Iruka had his very own wooden plank. His eye twitched as he made a mental note to use it on Jiraiya later.

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"ZzZzZzZzZzZz," Itachi snored again, totally oblivious to the fact that Iruka was now done turning Kisame into sushi and had moved on to him.

'_Perfect chance,_' Iruka thought, right before smacking Itachi across the face with the wooden plank.

SMACK!

Itachi went flying into a tree trunk that was a few feet away. You know those holes that we always draw in the middle of the tree trunks when we're drawing trees? Yeah, well…guess where Itachi's head got stuck…if you guessed in that hole in the middle of a tree trunk, you'd be right.

"ITAI!" Itachi yelled, "What the hell! Who turned out the lights?" Iruka couldn't help himself; he snickered. Wouldn't you if one of the most feared nukenin from Konoha got his head stuck in a tree? And it didn't help that Itachi was flailing around trying to get his head unstuck. Iruka's snickers turned into laughter.

"Hey!" Itachi yelled, finally realizing someone was…outside the tree, "Hey, who's out there? Get me out here!" Iruka laughed harder. "Are you _laughing_ at me?" Iruka laughed even harder. "Dammit! Stop laughing and get me out of here!" Iruka's laughter died out as he contemplated his options.

On one hand, he could kill Itachi now…all he had to do was beat him to death while his head was stuck in the tree.

On the other hand, that wouldn't be honorable; Itachi should have the chance to defend himself.

Who was he kidding? Screw honor - he was a ninja dammit! Ninjas don't give a damn about honor…well, okay, some do, but dammit - this was about keeping Naruto safe!

Iruka readied himself to beat Itachi to death…unfortunately, while he was contemplating his options, Itachi had managed to get his head out of the tree.

"Screw it!" Iruka said, smacking Itachi upside the head with the wooden plank, then took to hitting Itachi wherever he could with the plank.

"Hey! What the hell! Dammit! I'm innocent - stop!" Iruka paused with the plank in the air at the last part. He looked at Itachi for a few seconds.

"Can you prove it?" he finally asked. Itachi looked puzzled for a moment.

"Prove…what?"

"That you're innocent?"

"Uh…no."

"Oh well," Iruka said, right before continuing to beat Itachi with the wooden plank. '_Damn…I should become a hunter nin. This is a great form of stress release._'

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One Day Later

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Iruka sat down on a rock huffing and puffing, wondering to himself why he didn't just take the heads of Kisame and Itachi instead of dragging the whole bodies here. Ah well, he was here, at the Akatsuki base…now where were the other Akatsuki members? None of them were here…well that's not very nice…he couldn't exactly kill them if they weren't there, now could he?

"What the hell are you doing here, un? OMG, un! Is that Itachi and Kisame's lifeless bodies! What the hell, un?" Iruka turned around to face the voice…the owner of it was Deidara (obviously; who else speaks with all those "un"s? "Un" means yeah for all those who don't know). Standing slightly behind Deidara was Tobi.

"You're a member of Akatsuki?" Iruka asked, curiously.

"Un…what of it?"

"Then where's your cloak?" And indeed, Deidara was not wearing the customary Black w/Red Clouds cloak that Tobi was wearing. Deidara looked down and then back up to Iruka.

"It's at the cleaners, un."

"The cleaners?"

"Un."

"_Kakashi_ comes up with better excuses than that."

"Bastard, un! Die!" And with that, Deidara started molding clay and sent a large bird after Iruka.

BOOM!

"I got him, un!" The smoke cleared. "Damn! What the hell is he, un?" There stood Iruka, no worse for the wear, other than a small cut on his left cheek. "I'm outta here, un! Have fun, Tobi!" Deidara turned tail and ran, only to run straight into the cliff face. He fell back onto his but. "Ow, un…" Rocks fell from the top of the cliff, crushing the nukenin.

"Well…that was kind of anti-climactic," Iruka said, turning to Tobi. Tobi started running around in circles and waving his arms.

"Save me, Zetsu-san! Zetsu-saaaaaaan! Saaaaaaave meeeeeeee!"

"What the hell?" Iruka asked, watching Tobi's antics.

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"Save me, Zetsu-san! Zetsu-saaaaaaan! Saaaaaaave meeeeeeee!"

"What now?" the black half of Zetsu groaned, just having grabbed a bowl and spoon to fix himself some cereal.

"Stupid Tobi, ruining my meal," the white half of Zetsu grumbled. Zetsu stalked out of the hideout, still holding the bowl and spoon. When he got outside he saw Tobi running around in circles and waving his arms around. There was a pile of rocks, and what appeared to be Deidara's hand sticking out of them. Then there were two dead bodies, he quickly identified as Itachi and Kisame. Zetsu's gaze then turned to Iruka.

"Aw, crap," both halves said, "Hey! We agreed on something!" Iruka punched Zetsu, sending him flying.

"Suiton: Suiryudan no Jutsu!" Iruka's water dragon hit dead on.

"I'm melting! I'm melting!" Zetsu shrieked. And he was indeed melting…into a big pile of Zetsu goop. Some of the Zetsu goop landed in the bowl that Zetsu dropped, and the spoon lands with it. It only took a few seconds before Tobi was jumping around for a totally different reason.

"I'm free! Woohoo! Take that bastard! I'm free! Oh yeah! I'm free!" Iruka blinked.

'_Are all Akatsuki members this weird? What, is weirdness a requirement to join or something?_' Iruka thought.

"Um…" Tobi ignored him and continued jumping up and down, yelling, "I'm free!" A few jumps later and his mask fell off. It took Iruka a few seconds to place the familiar face with a name. "Obito Uchiha!" Tobi stopped jumping.

"Yeah?"

"You're really Obito?" Iruka asked.

"Yep," Tobi, or rather, Obito replied cheerfully.

"Then why the hell are you after Naruto! He's Arashi's son!"

"Well, I'm not…at least, not anymore. I'd never do anything to hurt sensei's little Naru-chan!" Iruka nearly laughed at the look that would be on Naruto's face, had Naruto ever been called 'Naru-chan' to his face.

"So you won't go after Naruto?"

"Nope!"

"Okay, then, I won't kill you!"

"Okay," Obito said, before getting back to jumping and yelling, "I'm free!" Iruka's eyes widened.

"Obito! Watch out for the…!" Obito didn't get the warning in time, and managed to jump off of a conveniently placed cliff. His "Ttttttthhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiissssssss Sssssuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkksssss!" could be heard all the way down.

"Cliff," Iruka finished, lamely.

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A Few Hours Later

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A few hours and ten games of "I spy" later, two more members showed up. The unknown member…whom I shall call Nanashi (No name, I think) to simplify things…ran straight up to the bowl of Zetsu goop.

"Hey! Vegetable Soup! My favorite!" And yes, he did then pick up the bowl and take a bite of the Zetsu goop. Nanashi spit it back out. "Ugh! How gross it tastes!"

"We do not taste gross!" one of the Zetsu mouths (one for each side of the face) floating around in the goop yelled.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Nanashi yelled, running away from the mouth, only to slip on some Zetsu goop and go straight off the side of the cliff.

Thunk.

"Hey! A friend!" Obito yelled, joyfully, "Oh damn, he's dead. You could have at least sent me a live one!"

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At the same time that the previous was happening, the Leader of Akatsuki was yelling at Iruka.

"You can't be here, dammit, you just can't!" Iruka's eye twitched.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" Iruka summoned the Dolphin boss, Finn, then cheerfully said, "Hello, Finn-kun, I have some dinner for you." Finn turned to the Leader, ate him, then burped.

"Ugh…no more spicy food, Iruka-kun," Finn said, before disappearing. Then Iruka heard Obito.

"Hey! A friend! Oh damn, he's dead. You could have at least sent me a live one!" Iruka looked over the side of the cliff.

"Sorry, Obito-kun," he said, wondering how the other body got down there and who the hell they were.

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Three Days Later

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Zetsu goop was now brown and had sprouted little white hairs, kind of like an onion when it got too much sun. Both of Zetsu's mouths sighed as they heard Hidan and Kakuzu approach. It wasn't hard to miss. A _deaf_ person could have heard them coming from a mile away.

There were arguing…again.

About Kakuzu's drinking habits…again.

And his gambling habits…again.

Sometimes Zetsu wondered why the two of them didn't just get hitched and run away during the honeymoon…then again, they'd probably just fight over who was going to be the bride and who was going to be the groom.

The two of them stopped short as they saw the pile of Zetsu goop.

"Eww," Hidan said, scrunching up his nose.

"What do you mean 'eww'?" one of the mouths yelled as it floated past him. Hidan jumped back. Kakuzu crushed both mouths with his foot, earning a look from Hidan.

"What?" Kakuzu asked.

"Oh, gross!" Hidan was then incinerated. By what you ask? By Iruka, who had gone through the other two scrolls and found himself a new toy in the form of a flamethrower. Jiraiya did put something useful in the scrolls after all.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Kakuzu asked, then he saw Iruka's other new toy gotten from the other scroll. He turned around and ran, only to trip over Itachi's body. "Crud!" was all he managed to say before he got blown up by Iruka's new rocket launcher (He still liked the flamethrower better though).

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Mission: Take out the threat of all the members of the organization called 'Akatsuki'.

Rank: SS-class

Duration: 12 Days.

Status: Completed Successfully

Mission Summary: (Please use 'Day 1, Day 2, Day 3' format; Day 1 starts the day you were given the mission.)

Days 1 and 2

I encountered no Akatsuki members on either day, but following the directions given to me by Jiraiya-sama, I was able to make my way towards their hideout.

Day 3

I encountered two members of Akatsuki (Kisame from Kiri, and Itachi from Konoha). Kisame attacked me first, and I dismembered him with the ANBU issued Katana that Jiraiya-sama gave me, which unfortunately broke in half (one half still stuck in Kisame). After which, I came upon Itachi, who was sleeping against a tree. Using a wooden plank (sealed in a scroll that was given to me by Jiraiya-sama) I attacked Itachi as he slept, and he went flying into a tree, where his head got stuck. He managed to get his head unstuck and I beat him to death with the wooden plank (he tried to say he was innocent but couldn't prove it.) I started dragging the bodies to the hideout.

Day 4

After a short wait at the hideout, I encountered two Akatsuki members (Deidara from Iwa, and Tobi from Konoha - will be explained shortly). Deidara tried to blow me up, and failing, ran into a cliff face, and rocks fell down and crushed him. Tobi started running around yelling for Zetsu. Zetsu (not sure where he's from - no hitai-ate) came out and melted when I hit him with a water jutsu. Tobi started yelling that he was free, and was soon revealed to be Obito Uchiha. He then fell off a cliff. Tobi (Obito Uchiha) is still there; Kakashi may retrieve him whenever he so wishes. A few hours later, I was confronted by the Leader and summoned Finn, the dolphin boss, who ate him. A check on Tobi (Obito Uchiha) revealed that another Akatsuki member was down there with him, and Tobi (Obito Uchiha) confirmed he was dead, though I am not positive how he got there.

Days 5, 6 and 7

While waiting at the headquarters of the organization Akatsuki, I did not encounter the two remaining members. I did converse occasionally with Tobi (Obito Uchiha) while waiting for the last two, however. He wants me to make sure that you all know that his favorite color his orange and he still thinks Kakashi is a bastard. Also said something about Kakashi coming to get him lest he tell the world about the incident with the pink boxers and the fluffy bunny rabbits. I'm not sure what the incident was, however.

Day 8

The two remaining members of Akatsuki (Hidan - didn't get a good look at his hitai-ate, and Kakuzu from Taki) finally arrived at the headquarters of Akatsuki, arguing about the drinking and gambling habits of Kakuzu (which are apparently as famous as Kakashi's lateness and porn reading habits). I quickly incinerated Hidan with a flamethrower (given to me by Jiraiya-sama). Kakuzu then ran but tripped over Itachi's body, allowing me time to blow him up with a rocket launcher (also given to me by Jiraiya-sama).

Days 9, 10, 11, and 12

I made my way back to Konoha, with any heads of the Akatsuki members I could get (which would only be the heads of Kisame and Itachi as Deidara was buried by too many rocks for me to move, Zetsu was melted, Tobi (Obito Uchiha) is obviously still alive, the Shinobi I couldn't identify is down the cliff _with_ Tobi (Obito Uchiha), the Leader of Akatsuki was eaten by Finn; we _might_ find his head in a few days if it isn't fully digested, Hidan was incinerated, and Kakuzu was blown up).

Umino Iruka

The laughter of Tsunade and Jiraiya was heard for days after Iruka turned in his mission report. The only things funnier than the mission report telling of the events that happened were the events themselves.

End

Wow, that was fun to write, especially the Itachi's head stuck in a tree part. This has been in the works for months; I couldn't quite get some of the scenes right. I loved playing with Deidara's "un"s …It's so fun! I can't remember where Kakuzu was from. Hopefully I was right and it was Taki, if not, oh well. Read and Review, please! Smiles!

Rune

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Oh, yeah, I got something else for you too. A couple of somethings. 

Special Akatsuki Is Screwed Omake 1:

Kakashi Finds Tobi/Obito

Kakashi's eye twitched as he looked over the cliff.

"Kakashi-teme!" Obito greeted.

"Obito-baka!" Kakashi yelled as he threw various pointy weapons tipped with various poisons at the Uchiha, "You said you'd never mention that incident again, dammit!"

"Aww…Was Iwuka-kun youw boyfwiend," Obito teased in a baby voice, "Did you not want him to know that you have pink boxers with fluffy bunnies on them and that those are your favorite pair?"

"You said you'd never tell!" Kakashi freaked out as he threw more weapons at Obito.

"Bastard! Stop throwing things at me!" Obito yelled, picking up a rock and throwing it at Kakashi, hitting him in the head.

"Ow…dammit, that hurt!"

"Good!"

Up in heaven, Arashi shook his head, and sighed.

"Those two will never get along."

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Special Akatsuki Is Screwed Omake 2

Sasuke Gets The News

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S DEAD?" Sasuke yelled, "I HAVEN'T KILLED HIM YET! HE CAN'T BE DEAD!" Kabuto and Orochimaru sweatdropped as they watched Sasuke yell at the piece of paper that the news came on. What news you ask? Why, the news that Itachi was dead, of course.

"A WOODEN PLANK! I BETRAY MY VILLAGE FOR THE POWER TO KILL MY BROTHER AND A CHUNIN KILLS HIM WITH A WOODEN PLANK! IT'S AN OUTRAGE!" The sweatdrops grew bigger. Orochimaru turned to Kabuto.

"I've got to go do something in my lab."

"HOW DARE THIS CHUNIN TAKE MY REVENGE FROM ME! WHAT'S HIS NAME, ANYWAY?"

"Can I come?" Kabuto asked, "Please!" He was on his knees, literally begging to tag along.

"IRUKA-SENSEI! IT WAS IRUKA-SENSEI WHO KILLED MY BROTHER WITH A WOODEN PLANK AND TOOK MY REVENGE FROM ME! HOW DARE HE?"

"Yeah, of course," Orochimaru replied, "Let's go!" The two of them ran away from Sasuke's room, not even stopping when they realized that they were going the wrong way.

"I'LL KILL HIM!" was the last thing the heard before heading under Orochimaru's bed to hide.

"How long do you think he's going to stay angry?" Kabuto whispered.

"I'LL STRING HIM UP BY HIS (censored) (censored)! I'LL RIP HIS (censored) SKIN OFF STARTING WITH HIS (censored) TOES! I'LL BREAK ALL HIS (censored) FINGERS ONE BY (censored) ONE AND THEN (censored) BEAT HIM LIKE A (censored) PINATA!"

"For quite a while," Orochimaru whispered back, "We'll just stay here till it's safe."

"Right."

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Hope you all enjoyed them. Don't forget to review please! Smiles! 

Rune


	2. Sequel

For those of you that have this oneshot on alert, I'm not sure why seeing as it's a oneshot, The Akatsuki Is Screwed's sequel, Konoha and Oto Are Screwed, is now up.

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The Sequel Includes (Or Will At Some Point):

The torture of Konoha citizens and Shinobi at the hands of Obito on behalf of 'Sensei's little Naru-chan'

The reading of Kakashi's diary by Naruto and Obito looking for blackmail material (and an explanition as to how Kakashi doesn't actually read Icha Icha).

The retrieval of an unwilling Sasuke by Iruka so he'd stop being a bad big brother to Naruto (an idea put in his head by the people at the ramen stand)

The (possible torture and) death of Orochimaru because of faulty rumors that Iruka happened to hear

The torture of Oto citizens and Shinobi at the hands of Iruka until they point him in the direction of Oro-baka

AND

The copying of many jutsu (the resurection jutsu included) from Oro-baka's personal library by Iruka for Naruto because he likes learning new things

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PREVIEW:

Kakashi's eyes widened in horror as he took in the sight before him. It was far too terrible to be possible and yet there it, or rather they, were.

Uchiha Obito and Uzumaki Naruto had met.

--

'_Sasuke in Oto equals depressed Naruto. Depressed Naruto equals Iruka failing as big brother. Sasuke back in Konoha equals happy Naruto. Happy Naruto equals Iruka being good big brother._'

Iruka stood up suddenly, making both Teuchi and Ayame jump.

"Iruka-kun?" Ayame asked.

"I'm going to get Sasuke!" Iruka yelled, as he took off.

--

"Then why does he giggle like a pervert when he reads that book?" Naruto asked him.

"I never said it wasn't porn. I just said it wasn't Icha Icha. That book is his diary, surrounded by an Icha Icha cover."

"His diary?" Naruto deadpanned, "Why would his diary have porn in it?"

--

Sometime, before it got to Iruka's ears, several words had been 'misplaced' and it became the rumor Iruka heard: 'Orochimaru wanted to kill some blonde haired, whiskered faced boy'.

Iruka only knew of one blonde haired, whiskered faced boy – Naruto. Orochimaru was _so_ going down.


End file.
